Upstream

Oh the wide blue before me
To my side, there is nothing
Home I go,
to the stream,
where I came.

Instinctual, meaningful, blameless
I hold to my greatness,
Within me

It is dark now
The darkness is deep and cold
It is painful, harrowing, naïve

The currents of life pull me
They pull me, oh they pull me
To the beginning and the end

Of eternity

And yet I go, because I know
Who I am--

I am a Steelhead -

The Journey is a part of me
Like my Father's, and his father's and his and his ad infinitum
This is my destiny
The time is nigh, there is no looking back
It is my choice, and it will
everlastingly be.
I don’t realize the power
Because my mind hasn’t learned to see
The deep blue waters go
Away, and I can feel the promising power of
The Current.
It pushes me back,
Back to where I left
Back to nothing
Back against my promises!
Back to foolishness
Back to being alone
Back to being languid,
sluggish, slow, unhurried,
Back to naivety,
Back to loosing friendships
Back to loosing love
Back to loosing my potential
Back in black

It is growing, harder and harder
Deceptive, confusing
I have not nourished the knowledge
The mythological light.
Why have I let the sand slip
Through the hourglass so
Mindlessly?

They promised me it,
The Light
If, if, IF! there is one thing,
Just one thing,
I know
in the middle of the raging violence of the stream,
They will never lie

Bubbles of thought
Rubies of experience
Explode all around me

Thrashing in the glory and subterfuge
of The Current
The darkness and the light
I receive another ruby, and I
Loose it, and gain it,
And loose it
Over and over, and over again

I see them now,
Steelheads
I try not to look
Some have each other
I don’t want to be alone
Anymore.
The fight of winning
Eternal Happiness, is won, not with one,
But With 2.
Raging white, powerfully, ferociously thrusts me back, it never lets up, never fails, always flowing, always compelling me to swim,Never rest, never never never never never rest, It is not in me, in my heart of hearts, to go back to the ocean that is….deep …dark …black…blue

The Sun!
The Light!
The moment!
Through the crashing blue, the bubbles, the pain, the white,
I can’t breathe!

Love
Is this what this is for?
Can I seize that thin thin fragile slippery-to-grasp line?
And who is the fisherman?
Is it Him that guides me? Or is it her guided by Him?

My fins swim, silver scales pulse, shimmer and my mouth shifts to bear the eternal current
White explosion, blue sand, white fangs
Snap!
Miss!
Did it miss me, or did I miss it?

I am slippery, because I am mortal
Weak, human, lazy
The Bear seems to be hungrier to fill
than,
my,
fledgling,
will…..

I am a temptation, I am food,
For thought

Yet who will eat my thoughts, and who will cherish still?

My arms grow--
Stronger
Yet the cost of strength
is
Pain.
My shoulders form, my back is bare, weighed down
By it’s watery cross. Will I drown?
Watery tendrils, ropes and chains,
Seek to hold my sudden legs, my kicking feet,
They seemingly seek to maliciously, pull,
But never
Ironically,
Wisely---------push!/?
The instinctual truth is The Current
It is my breath
It is my weakness
It is my failure
It is my salvation
I clench my jaw, and bow my head,
…In humility…
I kneel in the worst of the flying, flowing, cascading blue and white,
Calling on the limitless strength that is
Far beyond me
White blasts pummel my face
Why am I letting it happen?
Why don’t I fight it, with His help…
Hazel is the color of the window of my soul,
The soul of a steelhead
Yet I am a fool! A fool! Steelhead!
Yes, The nature of my calling
Rests on my shoulders
And I cannot shake it
It is ever mine to have

Jump! Fly! Choke! Breath!
Jump! Fly! Choke! Breathe!
Jump! Fly! Choke! Bask, in the light,
Underneath the current,
I can feel it now…
Warmth, and cold,
Warmth and cold,
Separated
By a
(------------------)
Of wet and dry.
Yet, There is warmth in the darkness of the
Thrashing water
There is a Moon which melts blue
And defies death
I am alive
I am worthy
I am lost
Please help me
You can do it
Yet you are lost too
Who will find who?
Yet until we find
Each

Other
=
We will die
To the light
Hope,
I learn, as I scream, through the massive jaws
Of another deceptive she-bear
Is the thing that will not die
It is as eternal as The Current
Violence, blood, sweat
Glory, mountainous glory
Clouds, and another blue
Is discovered
The sky I cleave
But not now.
Not now
The sky,
the searing brightness
of the glorious Sun
exists in my mind…
But one day, you
and I
will!
exist
far from my troubled mind
We will be everything, brighter than the golden sun
We will find home, and nestle, wrestle
Raise our destiny,
There to grow beside us
~Into the cold blue again~
I can’t turn, can’t see, lost, confused, worried. no! I can’t see…
…The very beginning…
Before both blues, before the sun, the earth, the heavens, was

I seem to have come full circle, back to faith,
Back to repentance
Back to basics
For, I know, ever since I first jumped,
and in every jump into
The Light:
Faith is the door, and the key is unlocked
Once more

And my will
Will!
Return to me
Return to me
Return to me
Please, return to me